Name: Jessica Delfino
Age: 34
Hometown: Damariscotta, ME
Job description: Comedian, writer, performer, musician
Upcoming projects: “Don’t Rape Me” video, developing a TV show, recording a new album with Dr. Steam Whipple
Select links: Official site, Blog, "I Wanna Be Famous" song download
How long have you lived in New York?
I moved here just in time for 9/11.
You live on the Lower East Side. How did you get your apartment?
I was on craigslist and I saw this listing that looked like a great apartment, priced very reasonably, and it said, "Chinese only." I called my friend who's Chinese and I said, "Hey listen you’re going to be my boyfriend for the day and we’re going to go get this apartment." He said, "Okay, that sounds good."
And I said, "Hi. My Chinese boyfriend and I would like to come and get this apartment." She said, "No no no, only Chinese. But I have this other building and it would be okay if you live in."
Hometown: Damariscotta, ME
Job description: Comedian, writer, performer, musician
Upcoming projects: “Don’t Rape Me” video, developing a TV show, recording a new album with Dr. Steam Whipple
Select links: Official site, Blog, "I Wanna Be Famous" song download
How long have you lived in New York?
I moved here just in time for 9/11.
You live on the Lower East Side. How did you get your apartment?
I was on craigslist and I saw this listing that looked like a great apartment, priced very reasonably, and it said, "Chinese only." I called my friend who's Chinese and I said, "Hey listen you’re going to be my boyfriend for the day and we’re going to go get this apartment." He said, "Okay, that sounds good."
And I said, "Hi. My Chinese boyfriend and I would like to come and get this apartment." She said, "No no no, only Chinese. But I have this other building and it would be okay if you live in."
She took me to this beautiful building. It’s actually kind of ugly on the outside but there’s so much magic in this apartment; it’s unbelievable. It has a view all the way up Ludlow. It’s the corner apartment so it has a beacon at night when I’m riding my bike down; I can see this bright light like a lighthouse. I’ve been there for three years, happy as can be.
It's hard when you move to New York and you wonder if you will ever find that sense of home, which is underrated.
Totally. I didn’t move to New York to live in the Bronx [or] Queens, okay. No offense to Queens or the Bronx - beautiful places. But I moved to New York to live on the Lower East Side. I didn’t know it at the time I moved here. But [after] coming here and exploring the neighborhood this is where I belong. It’s a part of town where they warehouse all of their freaks. But I feel really comfortable here. I live with my boyfriend and our cat.
What’s your cat’s name?
Her name’s Miss Puss. She’s not really a roommate. She doesn’t really pay her fair share. She kind of has a free ride.
She’s a calico. I don't know if it's true but an interesting fact I overheard is that all calicos are girls.
So they just mate with other…
Girls? [laughs] All calico cats are lesbians; it’s a little known fact. I don’t know what it is. It’s some sort of genetic thing like brown eyes or something, some kind of genetic issue where only females can be calico. Maybe it’s a split in the chromosome. Maybe it’s a multi-colored chromosome that only female cats get.
[Sipping mint iced tea] I’m so glad I asked you what you were drinking.
I started drinking mint iced tea this summer.
I love mint. My grandmother had a mint garden. Whenever I eat or chew mint it reminds me of being a kid.
Are you growing anything?
Yes. I have a Zen garden [on the] patio in my apartment. It’s really nice. It’s not a fire escape. You know how people are like, "Oh you got to come over and check it out. I’ve got this beautiful patio." And you get there and it’s this fire escape. You’re like, "This is a fire escape. This isn’t actually a patio."
We’re not legally supposed to be out here right now.
Well, who’s legally supposed to be anywhere in the city?
That’s true. I’m sure that my apartment building is illegal on like 50 different accounts. We have a huge cage over our patio so we’re actually caged in. And for the longest time there was this big lock on the cage that I didn’t have the key to. If there were a fire in this apartment we would've been s’mores. Luckily we got that fixed. So now if there’s a fire I at least have the chance of jumping out of eight stories and surviving. Fingers crossed.
Are you athletic?
I consider myself to be pretty athletic. I ride my bike everywhere. So that takes a certain amount of athleticism, especially in New York. It’s not like riding your bike in the suburbs. Because you’re competing with huge metal monsters going at 60 mph.
I played softball. My dad actually wanted a son so I got to be the son.
What was it like being the son?
It was great. At the time it was kind of sad, like, "I wanna wear pink. I wanna wear tutus." But my dad was really adamant and he said this often: [Imitating a man's voice] "No daughter of mine is going to be a sissy." His concentration was focused on, "My kids are going to be big and strong." He gave us big glasses of milk to drink with every meal. Which I think is one of the reasons why I’m tall and kind of a big girl. If we were thirsty it was like, [Man's voice] "Have a glass of milk."
Milk doesn’t really quench your thirst but it was nice. I got to spend a lot of time with my dad. He would come home from work and was like, [Man's voice] "Okay. Get your club. We’re going to go out and play softball." And I would be like, "Dad, I’m watching TV." [Man's voice] "I don’t want to hear it." He was a little rough on me. But the outcome of it was that I was the MVP of my softball team. I made him really proud and it had a happy ending.
Has there ever been a time when you felt shy?
Oh yeah. I was petrified for my whole life. I was shy for years. Maine is a very sheltered place, a very small community where everybody knows everybody. I had a lot of respect for my family and I didn’t want to [disappoint] them in any way. I was very nervous about saying the wrong thing. My mom’s Italian and she would say things like, [In a Long Island granny voice] "We’re family and we stick together. You don’t talk about your family to anybody."
Actually, comedy, music and performing have really done wonders for my ability to communicate with people.
What’s it like being a comedian who happens to be female? Do you ever get that “boys club” vibe?
Yeah, of course. But the world is a “boys club.” As a woman I take it upon myself to try not to call too much attention to it, but to fight it in my own subtle ways by dressing in any kind of material that I want, being outspoken, being strong, making allies with other strong women, and spending time with people who find inspiring and people who are doing positive things from a female point of view.
But I don’t look at it like, "Women get a really bad rap. Boo hoo." I don’t make a scene about it or call it out because I don’t think that’s productive. Honestly, there are many men out there who are great feminists. I find them and they find me; we’re drawn to each other. My boyfriend and a lot of my male friends are feminists. In comedy there are male feminists, believe it or not [but] there are a few less in the comedy scene than in the activism scene.
What’s your idea of happiness?
My idea of happiness is being somewhere with a cool breeze, where I can wear next to nothing with the water lapping at my feet [and] the mountains in the background, and a drink in my hand. I live a very happy life in New York. I make a living on my crazy whims. To live freely and not be hurting other people and yourself, that's happiness.
What’s your definition of success?
I feel really comfortable in my mind in the level of what I’ve achieved. I really like being able perform every night and having a community of people who appreciate what I do and know my name and work, and egg me on in dirty little ways.
Of course we all want more. I remember when I was a kid looking around my house and it kind of hit me. We weren’t rich but we were middle-class. I was like, “Hey Dad we have a really great home. We have two cars and a really nice, comfortable home; you must be really proud of yourself.” I think he was kind of amused. He was like, “Yeah, I kind of am.” But we always want more. It’s true. It’s the human condition. It’s the human flaw. No matter what we have, we always want something more, something different. That for me is really frustrating and I try to avoid that. I try to really appreciate where I am all the time and appreciate the struggles on the way to something else. Because I think that path is just as important.
What’s the most difficult thing that you’ve ever had to do?
I ran away from home when I was 15 and that was really hard. But it was also a real hoot. It’s probably a lot of kids’ dreams in a way. A lot of kids pack their bags and are like, “I’m running away!” walk down the block and are like, “Oh. I don’t know where to go. I guess I’m just going to go home.” I’ve talked to kids and they have told me stories like that. But it was really exciting and scary. That was probably the hardest, in making that decision and doing it.
When I was 18 I stayed with my sisters and Dad for one summer before I moved to LA. They let me come back and I just stayed for one month, just to kind of spend some time with my sisters. But I never went back. I’ve basically been out wandering around since then causing trouble.
What’s the best and worst thing about doing stand-up comedy?
The best thing is making people laugh and getting the enjoyment that goes along with bringing people utter delight.
The worst thing is bombing. And it’s something that really doesn’t happen that much anymore, but when you’re starting out it’s something that you inevitably have to experience. And the less it happens the better. I used to bomb every time I got on stage for the first few months or so that I performed. And it was a really crazy experience. But like I said the path is part of the excitement. When you look back you can appreciate it.
How do you deal with hecklers?
I try to not give them too much attention. I actually got heckled a couple of days ago at the show and this is how I dealt with it: I was like, [long sigh] “Sirrrr.” That was how I handled it. [laughs] I used to have some stalk lines I’d throw out. I’d say, “Didn’t I see you in court the other day?" I had some stupid lines prepared and now I just roll my eyes and blow my hair. And usually everyone is with me. It’s usually one lone jerk. And the audience is like, “We get it.”
What’s the secret to your songwriting?
The secret to my songwriting is impulsiveness and almost a kind of obliviousness. I’ve said this in my mind. My inspiration almost isn’t mine. It’s almost a kind of virus but not a virus, something that’s kind of floating in the air, that gets zapped to me. I never really sit down and say, “Hm. Okay. Now I’m going to write something." I have to be open. Then it comes to me.
Do you sing in the shower?
Yeah. All the time. I write great songs in the shower.
What’s your favorite dirty word?
Probably “fuck.” I say it a lot (“Fuck this. Fuck that.”) And I love being able to talk like that. I like having that kind of freedom in my life. In more recent years I’ve tried to squelch it a little bit because I feel like people aren’t on the same page as me. And although I want to be myself I don’t aim to make people feel uncomfortable. My goal isn’t to go out there and fuck with everybody. I try not to swear so much in my songs [or] in public. I also want to be a good role model. The older I get the more people pay attention to the things that I do. I have five younger sisters who look up to me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with swearing. But at the same time I’ve learned that you can get farther in life by following a certain set of rules. And dropping the F-bomb all the time isn’t necessarily one of them.
What’s offensive to you?
When people litter, smoke cigarettes, and destroy things that are beautiful. That offends me. Smoking is kind of a way of doing that, of destroying something beautiful. The idea of cigarettes really piss me off, that there’s this corporation that has invaded society with this disgusting product that kills people in a very horrible and painful way, that costs our country a lot of money to care for. I think smoking is just really gross.
Have you ever smoked?
I smoked a lot for years. And what made me quit was my grandfather died of emphysema. Watching him die and the pain that he went through, it really clicked. My mom and everybody smokes. It’s like, “Were you not watching that? How can you still smoke through that?” Again, not funny.
But the thing is I’m not a jerk about it. I don’t walk up to people and [say], “Sir, I don’t like that you’re smoking.” I’m not trying to live people’s lives for them. If people are going to smoke or litter that’s what they’re going to do.
That’s why I love being a performer. I can say things on my mind through art and music and people will be more likely to pay attention than if I were to walk up to someone and tap them on the shoulder and was like, “Excuse me, I don’t like you littering.” People aren’t going to want to hear that and they’re not going to listen. But if I wrote a funny song about littering, people are more inclined to sing the song and snap their fingers as they throw their garbage on the ground.
Do you believe in the afterlife?
I think that when we die we die. I am fascinated by the concept that energy cannot be created or destroyed. And I’ve always had this fantasy that we become lightning. And I think it would be awesome to be lightning. People fear lightning and they’re fascinated by it at the same time. It’s such a crazy concept. It can just smack you down in a second. Or it can just be this beautiful thing. I wish that when we die we become lightning. But yeah I don’t believe in the afterlife and I don’t believe that we become lightning either.
Out of all the instruments in the world, why play the rape whistle and the flying V ukulele?
Hopefully I won’t end with the rape whistle and the ukulele. I like the fact that there are hundreds and thousands of instruments that I don’t know about. I want to find them out and play some of them. The ukulele because living in New York City, I carry this guitar with me everywhere. I carry it in a backpack on my back. I’m not as young as I used to be; it’s heavy. And on a bike? The ukulele is one pound. It’s so great. Anybody who would like to play an instrument, but is concerned about traveling with an instrument, should play the ukulele.
And the rape whistle? The rape whistle is like playing the triangle you know what I mean? It’s so light. It fits into your pocket. Not to mention that it’s so ridiculous. I love the fact that I play the rape whistle because I don’t know anyone else who does and it makes me feel really unique. It also raises awareness about two issues that I feel very strongly about: Rape is an abomination. And a whistle? Really? That’s the best that the people in charge could do? Give women a whistle to blow when a larger, stronger person is trying to attack you? A whistle? Okay, I’m going to write a good song on my rape whistle then, in the hopes that I can get this person to dance away. Because that’s my best chance in that situation.
You wrote a song called “My Pussy is Magic”. Can you explain what’s so magical about the pussy?
It’s amazing. Wars have been fought over it. Think about it: If it weren’t for the vagina women would be literal slaves. It’s true. We would be as low as you could possibly go in this society. But because of the vagina we have something that men, the rulers of the free world, want. And it inspires them to do everything from buy you flowers to create and destroy buildings. I really think that at the center of everything is the vagina. I think it’s very magical and it’s very powerful. I can write a whole book about this. It’s an interesting thing because it’s the absence of something.
Is there anything you’d like to add?
Sluuuuuuuuuuuurp [through a straw]
Can you write that? Can you spell that? That’s the last thing I’d like to say.
It's hard when you move to New York and you wonder if you will ever find that sense of home, which is underrated.
Totally. I didn’t move to New York to live in the Bronx [or] Queens, okay. No offense to Queens or the Bronx - beautiful places. But I moved to New York to live on the Lower East Side. I didn’t know it at the time I moved here. But [after] coming here and exploring the neighborhood this is where I belong. It’s a part of town where they warehouse all of their freaks. But I feel really comfortable here. I live with my boyfriend and our cat.
What’s your cat’s name?
Her name’s Miss Puss. She’s not really a roommate. She doesn’t really pay her fair share. She kind of has a free ride.
What does she look like?
She’s a calico. I don't know if it's true but an interesting fact I overheard is that all calicos are girls.
So they just mate with other…
Girls? [laughs] All calico cats are lesbians; it’s a little known fact. I don’t know what it is. It’s some sort of genetic thing like brown eyes or something, some kind of genetic issue where only females can be calico. Maybe it’s a split in the chromosome. Maybe it’s a multi-colored chromosome that only female cats get.
[Sipping mint iced tea] I’m so glad I asked you what you were drinking.
I started drinking mint iced tea this summer.
I love mint. My grandmother had a mint garden. Whenever I eat or chew mint it reminds me of being a kid.
Are you growing anything?
Yes. I have a Zen garden [on the] patio in my apartment. It’s really nice. It’s not a fire escape. You know how people are like, "Oh you got to come over and check it out. I’ve got this beautiful patio." And you get there and it’s this fire escape. You’re like, "This is a fire escape. This isn’t actually a patio."
We’re not legally supposed to be out here right now.
Well, who’s legally supposed to be anywhere in the city?
That’s true. I’m sure that my apartment building is illegal on like 50 different accounts. We have a huge cage over our patio so we’re actually caged in. And for the longest time there was this big lock on the cage that I didn’t have the key to. If there were a fire in this apartment we would've been s’mores. Luckily we got that fixed. So now if there’s a fire I at least have the chance of jumping out of eight stories and surviving. Fingers crossed.
Are you athletic?
I consider myself to be pretty athletic. I ride my bike everywhere. So that takes a certain amount of athleticism, especially in New York. It’s not like riding your bike in the suburbs. Because you’re competing with huge metal monsters going at 60 mph.
I played softball. My dad actually wanted a son so I got to be the son.
What was it like being the son?
It was great. At the time it was kind of sad, like, "I wanna wear pink. I wanna wear tutus." But my dad was really adamant and he said this often: [Imitating a man's voice] "No daughter of mine is going to be a sissy." His concentration was focused on, "My kids are going to be big and strong." He gave us big glasses of milk to drink with every meal. Which I think is one of the reasons why I’m tall and kind of a big girl. If we were thirsty it was like, [Man's voice] "Have a glass of milk."
Milk doesn’t really quench your thirst but it was nice. I got to spend a lot of time with my dad. He would come home from work and was like, [Man's voice] "Okay. Get your club. We’re going to go out and play softball." And I would be like, "Dad, I’m watching TV." [Man's voice] "I don’t want to hear it." He was a little rough on me. But the outcome of it was that I was the MVP of my softball team. I made him really proud and it had a happy ending.
Has there ever been a time when you felt shy?
Oh yeah. I was petrified for my whole life. I was shy for years. Maine is a very sheltered place, a very small community where everybody knows everybody. I had a lot of respect for my family and I didn’t want to [disappoint] them in any way. I was very nervous about saying the wrong thing. My mom’s Italian and she would say things like, [In a Long Island granny voice] "We’re family and we stick together. You don’t talk about your family to anybody."
Actually, comedy, music and performing have really done wonders for my ability to communicate with people.
What’s it like being a comedian who happens to be female? Do you ever get that “boys club” vibe?
Yeah, of course. But the world is a “boys club.” As a woman I take it upon myself to try not to call too much attention to it, but to fight it in my own subtle ways by dressing in any kind of material that I want, being outspoken, being strong, making allies with other strong women, and spending time with people who find inspiring and people who are doing positive things from a female point of view.
But I don’t look at it like, "Women get a really bad rap. Boo hoo." I don’t make a scene about it or call it out because I don’t think that’s productive. Honestly, there are many men out there who are great feminists. I find them and they find me; we’re drawn to each other. My boyfriend and a lot of my male friends are feminists. In comedy there are male feminists, believe it or not [but] there are a few less in the comedy scene than in the activism scene.
What’s your idea of happiness?
My idea of happiness is being somewhere with a cool breeze, where I can wear next to nothing with the water lapping at my feet [and] the mountains in the background, and a drink in my hand. I live a very happy life in New York. I make a living on my crazy whims. To live freely and not be hurting other people and yourself, that's happiness.
What’s your definition of success?
I feel really comfortable in my mind in the level of what I’ve achieved. I really like being able perform every night and having a community of people who appreciate what I do and know my name and work, and egg me on in dirty little ways.
Of course we all want more. I remember when I was a kid looking around my house and it kind of hit me. We weren’t rich but we were middle-class. I was like, “Hey Dad we have a really great home. We have two cars and a really nice, comfortable home; you must be really proud of yourself.” I think he was kind of amused. He was like, “Yeah, I kind of am.” But we always want more. It’s true. It’s the human condition. It’s the human flaw. No matter what we have, we always want something more, something different. That for me is really frustrating and I try to avoid that. I try to really appreciate where I am all the time and appreciate the struggles on the way to something else. Because I think that path is just as important.
What’s the most difficult thing that you’ve ever had to do?
I ran away from home when I was 15 and that was really hard. But it was also a real hoot. It’s probably a lot of kids’ dreams in a way. A lot of kids pack their bags and are like, “I’m running away!” walk down the block and are like, “Oh. I don’t know where to go. I guess I’m just going to go home.” I’ve talked to kids and they have told me stories like that. But it was really exciting and scary. That was probably the hardest, in making that decision and doing it.
When I was 18 I stayed with my sisters and Dad for one summer before I moved to LA. They let me come back and I just stayed for one month, just to kind of spend some time with my sisters. But I never went back. I’ve basically been out wandering around since then causing trouble.
What’s the best and worst thing about doing stand-up comedy?
The best thing is making people laugh and getting the enjoyment that goes along with bringing people utter delight.
The worst thing is bombing. And it’s something that really doesn’t happen that much anymore, but when you’re starting out it’s something that you inevitably have to experience. And the less it happens the better. I used to bomb every time I got on stage for the first few months or so that I performed. And it was a really crazy experience. But like I said the path is part of the excitement. When you look back you can appreciate it.
How do you deal with hecklers?
I try to not give them too much attention. I actually got heckled a couple of days ago at the show and this is how I dealt with it: I was like, [long sigh] “Sirrrr.” That was how I handled it. [laughs] I used to have some stalk lines I’d throw out. I’d say, “Didn’t I see you in court the other day?" I had some stupid lines prepared and now I just roll my eyes and blow my hair. And usually everyone is with me. It’s usually one lone jerk. And the audience is like, “We get it.”
What’s the secret to your songwriting?
The secret to my songwriting is impulsiveness and almost a kind of obliviousness. I’ve said this in my mind. My inspiration almost isn’t mine. It’s almost a kind of virus but not a virus, something that’s kind of floating in the air, that gets zapped to me. I never really sit down and say, “Hm. Okay. Now I’m going to write something." I have to be open. Then it comes to me.
Do you sing in the shower?
Yeah. All the time. I write great songs in the shower.
What’s your favorite dirty word?
Probably “fuck.” I say it a lot (“Fuck this. Fuck that.”) And I love being able to talk like that. I like having that kind of freedom in my life. In more recent years I’ve tried to squelch it a little bit because I feel like people aren’t on the same page as me. And although I want to be myself I don’t aim to make people feel uncomfortable. My goal isn’t to go out there and fuck with everybody. I try not to swear so much in my songs [or] in public. I also want to be a good role model. The older I get the more people pay attention to the things that I do. I have five younger sisters who look up to me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with swearing. But at the same time I’ve learned that you can get farther in life by following a certain set of rules. And dropping the F-bomb all the time isn’t necessarily one of them.
What’s offensive to you?
When people litter, smoke cigarettes, and destroy things that are beautiful. That offends me. Smoking is kind of a way of doing that, of destroying something beautiful. The idea of cigarettes really piss me off, that there’s this corporation that has invaded society with this disgusting product that kills people in a very horrible and painful way, that costs our country a lot of money to care for. I think smoking is just really gross.
Have you ever smoked?
I smoked a lot for years. And what made me quit was my grandfather died of emphysema. Watching him die and the pain that he went through, it really clicked. My mom and everybody smokes. It’s like, “Were you not watching that? How can you still smoke through that?” Again, not funny.
But the thing is I’m not a jerk about it. I don’t walk up to people and [say], “Sir, I don’t like that you’re smoking.” I’m not trying to live people’s lives for them. If people are going to smoke or litter that’s what they’re going to do.
That’s why I love being a performer. I can say things on my mind through art and music and people will be more likely to pay attention than if I were to walk up to someone and tap them on the shoulder and was like, “Excuse me, I don’t like you littering.” People aren’t going to want to hear that and they’re not going to listen. But if I wrote a funny song about littering, people are more inclined to sing the song and snap their fingers as they throw their garbage on the ground.
Do you believe in the afterlife?
I think that when we die we die. I am fascinated by the concept that energy cannot be created or destroyed. And I’ve always had this fantasy that we become lightning. And I think it would be awesome to be lightning. People fear lightning and they’re fascinated by it at the same time. It’s such a crazy concept. It can just smack you down in a second. Or it can just be this beautiful thing. I wish that when we die we become lightning. But yeah I don’t believe in the afterlife and I don’t believe that we become lightning either.
Out of all the instruments in the world, why play the rape whistle and the flying V ukulele?
Hopefully I won’t end with the rape whistle and the ukulele. I like the fact that there are hundreds and thousands of instruments that I don’t know about. I want to find them out and play some of them. The ukulele because living in New York City, I carry this guitar with me everywhere. I carry it in a backpack on my back. I’m not as young as I used to be; it’s heavy. And on a bike? The ukulele is one pound. It’s so great. Anybody who would like to play an instrument, but is concerned about traveling with an instrument, should play the ukulele.
And the rape whistle? The rape whistle is like playing the triangle you know what I mean? It’s so light. It fits into your pocket. Not to mention that it’s so ridiculous. I love the fact that I play the rape whistle because I don’t know anyone else who does and it makes me feel really unique. It also raises awareness about two issues that I feel very strongly about: Rape is an abomination. And a whistle? Really? That’s the best that the people in charge could do? Give women a whistle to blow when a larger, stronger person is trying to attack you? A whistle? Okay, I’m going to write a good song on my rape whistle then, in the hopes that I can get this person to dance away. Because that’s my best chance in that situation.
You wrote a song called “My Pussy is Magic”. Can you explain what’s so magical about the pussy?
It’s amazing. Wars have been fought over it. Think about it: If it weren’t for the vagina women would be literal slaves. It’s true. We would be as low as you could possibly go in this society. But because of the vagina we have something that men, the rulers of the free world, want. And it inspires them to do everything from buy you flowers to create and destroy buildings. I really think that at the center of everything is the vagina. I think it’s very magical and it’s very powerful. I can write a whole book about this. It’s an interesting thing because it’s the absence of something.
Is there anything you’d like to add?
Sluuuuuuuuuuuurp [through a straw]
Can you write that? Can you spell that? That’s the last thing I’d like to say.
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